I knwo that it's been well over a month since I blabbed--I mean, blogged--but for lo these many weeks I've been fighting a losing battle to come up with something interesting about Siena that doesn't involve my own hangups about sex, sexuality, urination, defecation, or anything else involved with parts of the body that even the most primitive peoples cover up with something, for God's sakes. You'd think that two years and then some of wiping someone else's ass would've worn down my inhibitions, but with every stage of our little angel's development, something new comes along to mess me up.
For example, recently Siena's been trying to piss standing up. Or pee. Women pee and men piss, right? Or rather, women pee and men use about three dozen different metaphors to describe urination. But I digress.
Now where would our little lady get the idea that she should try peeing standing up? School, of course. At USC Preschool, the kids all go to the bathroom in groups, in this long gang-bathroom with a long row of toilets. Kind of like in Full Metal Jacket, where Private Pyle kills himself. Not expecting a Kubrick reference in this blog, were you?
Anyway, after meals and before naps the kids gather and one of the teachers leads them in a song that basically sends them to the head in alphabetical order by first name. So Siena will be in there alongside Sammy and Stuart and Sven and whoever else. And evidently the teachers are only to happy to let the boys drop trou and fire from a standing position. Did I mention that the toilets are only like a foot off the ground? That probably clears your mental picture a bit.
So there's Siena, squatting like a good girl, even closing her legs like she should to prevent collateral damage. Oh, and there's something new I learned; if you're ever urinating out a vagina, be sure to close your legs so that the stream goes down rather than out. Now that must be the most useless thing I could ever write in this blog. Is there anyone capable of reading that last sentence who could need to know it? Don't answer that. But boy, just when you think you know everything there is to know about the opposite sex, you're on your knees wiping off a toilet seat, learning a very valuable lesson.
Where the hell was I? Man, I really need to write more often. I could divide these digressions among mini-entries, and those of you with actual work to do could ignore the rambling ones and get to the dirt on Siena. Apologies.
Back to the USC midget gang-toilet: Siena's sitting there, watching the boys stand and pee, and it occurs to her that she'd like to give this a try. Apparently, it doesn't occur to her that the boys are using a piece of equipment that she just doesn't have. Maybe she thinks that she does have one, and that if she'd only try it standing up the thing'd pop out, ready for duty. More likely, she just isn't very clear on the concept. In fact, I know that's the case. Our first efforts to distinguish between boys and girls had Siena believing that every adult was "boy" and that Siena and her cohort were all "girls."
Now, we had no idea that our daughter was harboring any of these misconceptions until one day a few weeks ago, when during one of our community consciousness-raising pee-pee lessons, Siena dropped her pants and did her best to take a leak like the boys do. That the toilets at home come up to about her bellybutton only made this more futile on her part. We learned that yes, a girl can indeed pee standing up, if she doesn't mind soaking her legs, panties, shorts, socks, sneakers, and floor.
Now, why would this particularly bug Daddy? Lord knows it's not the first time we've cleaned pee-pee off the floor. This time, however, Mommy decided that Daddy should be the one to explain to Siena the folly of her experiment. Now I had been anticipating years more to prepare any explanation of the birds and the bees. Quite frankly, I'd been expecting that I wouldn't have to do until we had a son. But, God knows why, Mommy decided that this moment required Daddy's explanation. Was it my poet's sensitivity? My commanding grasp of biology? My ability to amuse whenever I'm trying to be most serious? Whatever. To spare future parents any anxiety, here's how I broke it down to Siena:
"Siena, you can't pee standing up. The boys do that because they have a penis. You don't have a penis; girls don't. So sit down."
Call me crude. Call me collect, even. But since then Siena's sat down for every visit to the bathroom, without delay. A job well done. Next time, though, it's Mommy's turn to tackle the tough questions.
